Board and Lodgings at the House of Scooby
by Tony McD
Summary: Follows 'Shadow Plays for the House of Scooby'. It's their final year at Sunnydale High and our Scooby's face new adventures and dangers.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Board and Lodgings at the House of Scooby  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ season 3 (kinda)  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Shadow Plays for the House of Scooby'. It's their final year at Sunnydale High and our Scooby's face new adventures and dangers.  
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
It was an exhausted Xander who flopped down on his couch in front of the TV. A busy day capped off by the long drive from LA to Sunnydale through the worst summer holiday traffic he had ever seen, had left him drained. He couldn't even get up to get a drink; his tiredness overcame his thirst.  
  
He sensed someone in the room and looked up to see Faith leaning on the back of his couch with a coke in her hand. With surprising speed for one so tired, he snatched the drink out of her hand and downed half of it in the blink of an eye.  
  
"Hey!" Faith objected. Xander smiled then let fly with a mighty belch. Faith rolled her eyes.  
  
"If it wasn't for the fact that you're the landlord I'd kick your ass for that."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Not long after his (temporary) death fighting Dark Willow and Dark Buffy, Xander offered Faith a room at his place. The dingy motel she was staying at wasn't what you'd call great, or even acceptable. But her alarm bells started to ring when Xander offered her free board and lodgings in return for her help with a project he wanted done. She'd had offers like this before and every one of them turned out not to be so 'free' or the 'project' involved performing 'services' for her lodgings.  
  
But Faith had seen Xander up on Kingman's Bluff. Seen his sacrifice, his courage, his love for Buffy and Willow. So she accepted his offer with a large measure of suspicion and reserve.  
  
The longer she lived with him, the more suspicion and reserve grew. Not because of any bad intentions Xander had, rather it was the lack of bad intentions. He was a great guy. Easy going, funny, trustworthy, a genuine good guy, which just made Faith even more uneasy.  
  
In her experience there was no such animal as a genuine good guy.  
  
His 'project' just involved him and her doing a lot of digging. What they were digging for Xander wouldn't tell her exactly, only that it was important in safe guarding the future.  
  
Her attitude towards Xander all changed one Sunday.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Xander had been clearing out the spare room while Faith moved some of the furniture into the garage. When she returned to the spare room she found Xander staring at the large, open wardrobe he'd empted of his father's old clothes. Moving beside him she saw what Xander was looking at.  
  
Inside the wardrobe, right down the bottom, was a single word written in a child's handwriting. Written in blood, if Faith's experience counted for anything.  
  
Willow.  
  
"Long before any vampire started pounding on me, my old man taught me everything I ever needed to know about getting the shit kicked out of me. My teachers thought I must have been the klutziest kid in town, coming to school covered in bruises. Mom made excuses, she was good at that. Teachers believed her, they were good at that too.  
  
"Summer, just before second grade. Wills had gone to Phoenix with her parents for the holidays. Missed her like crazy. Of course a kid's gonna miss his only friend. That damn Barbie. Just looking at it made me cry.  
  
"Dad saw me. Tears, a Barbie doll, not a picture of manly behavior, isn't it? Dad certainly didn't think so. The yelling and the beating wasn't unusual. But he started yelling stuff. Kept on about crying and playing with girls stuff and how if I wanted to act like a girl then he'd treat me like a girl. He pulled my shorts down; bent me over the bed."  
  
Xander had been up until now cold, almost unemotional. But Faith saw bits of emotion leak out of the cracks in his rock hard exterior. Pain. Anger. Grief.  
  
"He kept saying it over and over. 'Act like a girl, get treated like a girl. Act like a girl, get treated like a girl.' Over and over until he finished. He punched me, split my lip open, smashed my nose, blood everywhere.  
  
"Threw me into the closet. Locked me in there. Told me I belonged in the closet. I was in there for hours. But I wasn't alone."  
  
He knelt down and traced his finger over the six letters.  
  
"I'll never be alone."  
  
Xander stood up again.  
  
"He never did it again. Neither of us ever mentioned it again. Never told anyone. Not even Buff or Wills. Don't even know why I'm telling you."  
  
Faith knew why. It's because she'd get it. She was able to understand him, at least about this, better than Buffy or Willow ever could.  
  
Been there, done that.  
  
Xander finally made sense to Faith.  
  
He was a for real good guy. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but still good. Someone who would understand her. Someone she could trust.  
  
Probably the first person she ever trusted.  
  
Faith jumped a little at the sound of Xander's foot crashing into wardrobe door, breaking one of the hinges and cracking the door. Xander started to pound on it. After a few moments Faith joined in and the two of them vented their hurt and anger out by destroying the wardrobe.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
The next morning after Xander's return from LA saw Faith and Xander in their usual morning routine in the kitchen. Neither was a morning person but a pot of coffee was making inroads.  
  
"What ya got planned for today Xan?"  
  
"Not much. I've gotta call Dr Alibek and tell her I'm back in town and arrange a time to see her again."  
  
Faith gave him a look.  
  
"What?" Xander asked, stung at the look he was getting.  
  
"You're going to tell your shrink that you're back in town but not a peep to your other two thirds."  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
"You haven't been around much the last couple of weeks. First there was all that digging which, by the way, you haven't told me jack about what we were digging for..."  
  
"I told you it was important.."  
  
"For the future. Yeah, I heard that one. Then there were the days you locked yourself in your room, the mysterious phone calls, the sudden trips. If I didn't know you better I'd say you were dealing drugs or some such shit."  
  
Xander nearly spit his coffee all over the kitchen table. The resulting coughing fit saw half his coffee end up in his lap and waking him far quicker on the outside than if it were on the inside.  
  
"Drugs!"  
  
"Like I said, if I didn't know you better. It's probably some scheme to save the future or change something or some such crap. All very noble."  
  
"So what's with the third degree?"  
  
"When was the last time you saw B and Red?"  
  
Xander had to stop and think. He had to admit it was a while.  
  
"Uh, last Saturday?"  
  
"Try nearly 4 weeks ago."  
  
That shocked the hell out of the Scooby. He'd kept himself busy for a whole bunch of reasons and he knew he hadn't exactly been Mr. Available of late.  
  
But 4weeks!  
  
"You're kidding!"  
  
Faith shook her head. It amazed her that he could be so dense at times.  
  
"Now if I were your girlfriend I'd be at the 'kicking your avoiding ass' stage."  
  
Xander gave Faith a sly smile.  
  
"If you were my girlfriend you'd kick my ass and call it foreplay." Faith leaned in and whispered as seductively as she could manage first thing in the morning.  
  
"And you'd love every second of it, toyboy." Xander slid off his chair and retreated to the sink.  
  
"Been there, done that, moved on." He told her as he washed out his cup.  
  
"So you keep saying." She replied. They often fell into this kind of banter whenever one wanted to avoid talking seriously about uncomfortable things.  
  
Faith wasn't one to delve into his personal life without a reason. With a sigh he turned to the second Slayer.  
  
"Has Buffy or Willow said something to you about this?"  
  
"Them talk to me? About you? As if! Every time Red sees me she gets this pissy look like I'm riding you day and night like the pussy whipped man bitch you are."  
  
Xander asking Faith to live with him hadn't gone down too well. Especially Willow, who even Xander acknowledged was possessive of 'her' people at the best of times. It was a source of tension that they tried to ignore as best they could. They didn't like it and Xander wasn't going to change his mind.  
  
"Then why bring it up?" he asked her. He had a pretty good idea. Faith may have a tough as nails attitude on the outside, but Xander knew better.  
  
"I don't want you moping around here all day if they dump your worthless, absentee ass."  
  
"I'm touched at your concern." Replied Xander, sarcasm dripping.  
  
"Whatever. I just ask one favor though. The next time you guys come here for the hot and sweaty, either sound proof your room or invite me in 'cause a girl's gonna go blind listening to you three banging the gong all night."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"Xander."  
  
"Mrs. Summers, uh, hi. Was that Giles I just saw leaving?" Xander asked hitching his thumb back in the general direction that Giles had gone.  
  
"He came round to see Buffy. Come in." Xander entered and they sat down on the couch together.  
  
"You just missed Buffy. She, Willow and Cordelia took Johnathan clothes shopping."  
  
"Cordy took Johnathan clothes shopping? What have they done with the real Cordelia because that doesn't sound like the Cordelia I know."  
  
"They've gone to Bremmerton." Joyce informed him. Xander's face scrunched up even more in confusion.  
  
"Bremmerton? That's like 60 miles away."  
  
"Cordelia apparently doesn't want to risk running into anyone she knows."  
  
"Ok, now that's 100% pure Cordelia." Xander half joked.  
  
"While we're here Xander, I want to talk to you about something." Joyce said in a manner that raised Xander's internal alarms.  
  
"Uh, sure. What about?"  
  
"You. And Buffy and Willow and your.. relationship."  
  
Xander's internal alarms became near full-blown panic.  
  
"We're friends, Really, really good friends and certainly nothing to chop a man to bits for.."  
  
"Xander, I know that you're more than just good friends, Ok? Relax, I'm not going to hurt you." She reassured the young man who looked like he was about to bolt out the window any second.  
  
"How did you.. did Giles tell you?" Joyce shook her head.  
  
"I may have been pretty clueless when it came to Buffy being the Slayer, but when it comes to my daughters love life I'm a little more on the ball. It also helps that Buffy isn't as discrete as she thinks she is." Joyce pointed to a folder of Buffy's sitting to the coffee table. Scrawled on it was 'BXW4eva' inside a love heart.  
  
"Now, I don't pretend to understand what you three have going on. I don't know if I should be upset or what I should be feeling at the fact my only daughter is in a relationship with not one but two people, one of which is another girl."  
  
"Mrs. Summers I.."  
  
"No Xander, let me finish. Like I said, I don't know much. But I do know what's in your heart better than anyone, even Buffy." Xander looked at her in confusion.  
  
"You remember when we used the power of the Heartstone? Well, when we did that I saw something. I saw what was in your heart. Not only did I see it, I felt it. You love them, both of them. And they love you just as powerfully.  
  
"But Buffy is still a young girl in love and young girls in love tend not to think clearly or responsibly. A moment of irresponsibility can change a girl's life around.  
  
"I'm not going to ask or tell you to end this relationship you three have. I'm not sure if ending it would be the best course of action in any case. But I am asking you to be careful."  
  
Xander gazed down at the carpet and chuckled.  
  
"I never expected this moment to be so bloodless."  
  
"Expecting me to come after you with an axe?" joked Joyce.  
  
"No, that was Willow. You were more of a carving knife kinda woman." Off Joyce's puzzled look, Xander explained.  
  
"Love spell gone wrong back in my original timeline. Long story."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You know that I wouldn't deliberately do anything to hurt them."  
  
"I know that Xander, that's not what I'm worried about. Accidents sometimes happen."  
  
"If you're worried about becoming a grandma before your time then don't." Xander reassured her.  
  
"Nothing is 100%.."  
  
"I know, I know. But even if I wanted to make Buffy a mommy I couldn't.  
  
"About a week after I first stopped Willow from destroying the world up on Kingman's Bluff I started getting pains in, well, places no man wants pain. So I went to the doctor to get checked out.  
  
"He ran all kinds of tests for testicular cancer and a bunch of other stuff. Nothing. Nada. But he did find out one thing.  
  
"I was sterile. He couldn't figure out why. Asked me if I had recently worked with toxic chemicals or exposed to high levels of radiation.  
  
"Radiation, no. Magic, yes. The blasts of magic Willow hit me with had a lasting side effect I guess."  
  
"They don't know, do they." A saddened Joyce said more of a statement than a question.  
  
"No. They think I had a vasectomy after Anya left. And I'm not going to tell them, especially Willow. I'm not hitting them with more guilt that they don't deserve."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
McKinley Federal Prison  
  
Same time  
  
It was yet another routine in a place ruled by routines. Being a maximum-security prison, roll call happened at least three times a day to ensure none of the inmates was missing.  
  
But one was.  
  
The head guard for the cellblock wasn't looking forward to telling the warden that Richard Wilkins had escaped from a locked cell.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Bath, England  
  
Same time  
  
"I thought it nothing more than rumor, a legend whispered in the dorm rooms at the Watchers Academy." The young watcher told the head watcher.  
  
"It is tradition handed down from the centuries. All Slayers upon reaching 18 are tested. There will be no exceptions for Miss Summers. Start your research." Quinten Travers instructed.  
  
"What of the second Slayer? If we test one the other will learn of it before her time."  
  
This gave Travers pause.  
  
"An unforeseen complication to be sure. One best handled by testing both at the same time."  
  
"Would Rupert be able to carry that out?" the younger watcher pondered.  
  
"The Slayer isn't the only one to be tested. You have your instructions."  
  
"Yes sir." 


	2. Fear and Loathing in the House of Scooby

Title: Fear and Loathing in the House of Scooby  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ early season 3 AU.  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Board and Lodgings at the House of Scooby'. There is nothing as terrible as a battle won. Except a battle lost.  
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Fear.  
  
It's a four letter word I'm intimately familiar with. Through it I'm also familiar with a whole bunch of other four letter words.  
  
Primarily 'shit' and 'help' which tend to be wedged in between 'Oh' and 'me'.  
  
If you asked me the most frightening thing I ever experienced that summer; I'd have to rate Cordy driving us to Bremmerton as only the second.  
  
The top slot is reserved for the trip back.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"Johnathan!"  
  
The young man's head jerked up at the sound of Cordelia yelling at him.  
  
"Did you hear what I said?" she asked him.  
  
"Uh, yeah." He lied. He'd actually been too busy trying to keep calm to hear whatever inane prattle Cordelia was going on with. But he wasn't about to tell Cordelia that in fear of what she would do to him. Also he desperately wanted Cordelia to stop looking him and start looking at the traffic she was passing at 90 miles an hour.  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes at him.  
  
"Bull." She said and went back to thinking about her driving, much to Johnathan's gratitude. His gratitude was sort lived as Cordelia spied an opening between two cars and she went for it, avoiding collision by mere inches.  
  
He managed not to whimper out loud.  
  
Just.  
  
Cordelia had, despite her public exclamations, become their friend over the past year or so. Helping the Scoobies fight the forces of evil (despite her better judgment) had changed her. She spent increasing amounts of time with the Scooby Gang, much to the derision of her other 'friends'. But she was beginning not to care as much as before what Harmony and the others thought or said.  
  
But there was something deeper, something powerful but vaguely disquieting to the old Cordelia about the new Cordelia that was slowly taking shape.  
  
As they raced down the freeway there was a silence that disturbed Cordelia. Buffy and Willow had hardly exchanged a single word the whole trip back to Sunnydale. Come to think of it, they hadn't said much to each other all day.  
  
There were other indicators that there was trouble between the Scoobies. Buffy's attitude had been distant all day while Willow had pulled into her shell whenever Buffy had been close by. When Willow had asked Cordelia to help her go clothes shopping for Johnathan, it had only been when Cordelia asked if Buffy was also coming that Willow had actually rang and asked Buffy if she wanted to come.  
  
Now Willow and Johnathan shared the backseat while Buffy sat in the front and stared out the window.  
  
Plus the small matter of the absent Y chromosome carrying Scooby.  
  
*Great* Cordelia thought *I'm stuck in the middle of a potentially world ending lovers tiff* She'd seen the leather clad end result of what happened when the Scooby Gang broke down.  
  
Broaching the subject would require a delicate touch.  
  
"You know, the whole brooding look works on a tall, dark, vampire with a soul. But on a short, bottle blonde, vampire Slayer? Brooding just comes across as sulking. What's wrong with you guys? Finally saw Xander naked?"  
  
Buffy continued to look out the window.  
  
"It's none of your business Cordelia." She replied.  
  
"Wrong answer. For anyone interested in avoiding a repeat of the First Evil bitches, i.e. everyone, your happiness is everybody's business. So what's up with the no talking and where the hell is Xander? God knows he could use some decent clothes."  
  
"I don't know Cordy! I haven't seen him in weeks! I don't know where he is!" Buffy yelled at the cheerleader, real anger flashing in her eyes. Buffy settled back down into her seat and resumed looking out the window.  
  
"And I don't care." Buffy declared softly. Her cold tone chilled everyone to the bone.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Awkward and strained silence reigned supreme the next day when the Scoobies were reunited.  
  
The awkward and strained silence reigned for the next 2 weeks.  
  
It reigned through school days and through the zombies raised by Joyce's mask. Xander fell into a deeper funk at his failure to stop it before it happened. The problems between the three weighed heavily on all their minds resulting in a number of close shaves during patrols.  
  
Giles had paired up Faith and Buffy for the nights patrol out of worry for his blonde Slayer.  
  
Faith had spent the night telling stories of what she had done before coming to Sunnydale. Buffy had only half listened to Faith's stories as the two patrolled.  
  
"Didn't we, um, do this street already?" Faith asked the elder Slayer.  
  
"Funny thing about vamps. They'll hit a street even after you've been there. It's like they have no manners."  
  
Faith shrugged.  
  
"Mm. You've been doing this the longest."  
  
"I have."  
  
"Yeah. Maybe a little too long."  
  
Buffy gave Faith a look.  
  
"Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You got a problem?" asked Buffy, a definite edge to her voice.  
  
Faith held her arms up in mock surrender.  
  
"I'm five-by-five, B, living entirely large, actually wondering about your problem."  
  
"Well, I may not sleep in the nude and rassle alligators.."  
  
"Well, maybe it's time you started, 'cause obviously something in your bottle needs uncorking. What is it, the, the Xander thing?"  
  
Buffy stopped walking.  
  
"What do you know about Xander?"  
  
"Just what I've been able to pick up here and there. Xander's been spending a lot of time away from you guys lately. Says it's important for the future and stuff. I believe him too.  
  
"But it's not the only reason he's not around much. He's got issues about some such crap that he ain't sharing with anyone. Typical macho bullshit. But he isn't the only one with issues. You and Red have your own crap going too and it's all fucking up your life right now."  
  
Buffy stepped up to the other Slayer and got into her face.  
  
"I got an idea: how about from now on, we don't hear from you on Xander or Willow or anything else in my life. Which, by the way, is my life."  
  
"What are you getting so strung out for, B?"  
  
"Why are your lips still moving, F?"  
  
"Did I just hear a threat?" asked Faith, ready for a fight.  
  
"Would you like to?" Buffy was getting extremely pissed off at Faith right now.  
  
"Wow. Think you can take me?" Faith challenged.  
  
"Yeah." Buffy said and looked over Faith's shoulder. "I just hope they can't." she said indicating to the group of five or six vampires headed for the two Slayers.  
  
The fight started out well for team Slayer with two vamps dusted in the first ten seconds. But after that the going got tough.  
  
Normally, fighting two vamps at a time was Slayer standard operating procedure, but these four vamps were anything but standard. Extremely strong and experienced, the four remaining vampires fought as a team. They frequently changed their tactics and kept Buffy and Faith off balance.  
  
Buffy and Faith battled against two vampires each, each Slayer so engrossed in her own fight that neither saw the setup. The two Slayers had backed themselves against the opposite walls of the narrow street. With the walls to their backs, the two girls ensured that no vamp could sneak up behind them.  
  
Only problem was that neither Slayer could come to the aid of the other if things went down hill on one of them.  
  
Just the way the vampires had planned it.  
  
One of Buffy's vampires left her and joined the other two fighting Faith. Within seconds Faith found herself pulled out into the middle of the street surrounded by three vampires.  
  
It took Buffy a second or two to see the danger. The three vampires were positioned so that no matter which way Faith faced she would have a vampire behind her and the three attacked at the same time, rather than the usual one at a time. Buffy was fighting the largest and best fighter of the four vampires and there was no way that she could make it to Faith before it was too late.  
  
Once they were done with Faith it would be her turn.  
  
There was a roar and a dark blur crash tackled two of the vampires facing Faith. Using the unexpected distraction both Faith and Buffy managed to dust their remaining vampires and saw Angel in full game face squaring off with the last two vampires.  
  
"Angelus!" one of the two roared.  
  
"Not quite." Angel growled back. The two remaining vampires weighed their options. Fighting two Slayers and the traitorous Angelus was a loosing proposition so they decided that retreat was the order of the day.  
  
"Buffy, you OK?" Angel asked her.  
  
"Peachy."  
  
"So you're Angel huh?" Faith wandered over to where Angel and Buffy stood and checked out the vampire with a soul. "Not exactly what I was expecting."  
  
"What were you expecting? Cape and bad accent?"  
  
"According to Xander, less tall, dark and handsome, more brooding. Although lately Xander's seems to have cornered the market on the brooding."  
  
At the mention of Xander, Buffy rapidly changed the course of the conversation.  
  
"You knew those four? 'cause they seemed to know you. What's their story?"  
  
"The Lancaster Brothers. Tore through England during the civil war."  
  
"So I take it they didn't vote for Lincoln then." Buffy joked.  
  
"Uh, the English Civil War."  
  
"England had a Civil War? Since when?"  
  
"In the 1640's. Don't they teach kids anything in school these days?"  
  
"Can we skip the history channel and get to the 'let's-worry-about-the-leftovers' channel?" interrupted Faith. The idea of having a couple of pissed off 350-year-old master vampires hunting them down didn't particularly appeal.  
  
"The good news is that you staked Jacob and Trent who were the brains and the brawn."  
  
"Good news." Buffy agreed.  
  
"Bad news is that Nathan and James are extremely sadistic, even by vampire standards. They'll want revenge for their brothers."  
  
Buffy sighed and shrugged her shoulders in resignation.  
  
"What's two more vampires who want me dead in a town full of them?"  
  
Angel looked at her in concern. It was obvious that Buffy was hurting, not physically, but emotionally. Her reached out and caressed Buffy's cheek.  
  
"Are you sure you're OK?" he asked her. Buffy closed her eyes for a moment then turned away from him.  
  
"I'm fine." She told him and stalked off into the night watched by a concerned Angel and a troubled Faith.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
It was the expression on their faces that so chilled Xander. Their eyes were open and their faces were a waxen mask of shock, pain, and horror.  
  
As yours would be too if you had been brutally murdered, your throat slashed, and repeatedly stabbed by the cloaked figure that held a knife that still dripped with Buffy and Willow's blood.  
  
A blood-drenched hand reached up and pulled back the hood of the cloak to reveal the face of Buffy and Willow's murderer.   
  
Alexander LaVelle Harris.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Xander awoke with a gasp, perspiration coating his body as his heart beat wildly from the dream. It took Xander a few seconds to regain his bearing before he got out of his bed and quietly padded his way past Faith's room and to the bathroom.  
  
He splashed water on his face and dried his face and body with a towel.  
  
Every night since that horrible one, he had had the same nightmare.  
  
He was a killer, a murderer.  
  
Looking into the mirror at his reflection, he was overwhelmed by a single emotion.  
  
Loathing. 


	3. Bad Habits of the House of Scooby

Title: Bad Habits of the House of Scooby  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ early season 3 AU.  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Fear and Loathing in the House of Scooby'. People are creatures of habit. But in the House of Scooby, not all old habits are good.  
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
People are creatures of habit and Willow was no different. She sat in front of her mirror and brushed her long red hair. It was a habit that she found comforting ever since her early childhood. Whenever Xander stayed at her place he would insist on brushing her hair and Willow would relax and enjoy his attentions. Even now, years after the innocence of childhood had faded, he would still insist on brushing her hair.  
  
Xander too was a creature of habit.  
  
But there were some habits that were neither comforting nor healthy. It was one such habit that had Willow worried for her, Buffy, and Xander's future together.  
  
Silence.  
  
There were issues between the three that needed to be discussed and resolved but where there should have been discussion there was silence and not a little anger.  
  
Willow had tried to break the silence with both Buffy and Xander with no success. Indeed, in Buffy's case, all Willow had managed to do was create a bigger gap between them. Ever since the battle on Kingman's Bluff, things between them had been different.  
  
Buffy had been distancing herself from them, pulling away from the intimacy that they had shared before. Compounding this was Xander's taking Faith into his home and his secretive disappearances. He too also had been, if not distant, then reluctant to be around them.  
  
Willow had tried to put Buffy's mind to rest about what Xander was doing when he disappeared. He was doing something to fix the future and they needed to trust him she told her. All this managed to do was convince Buffy that Willow would always take Xander's side. But it was more than just that. Willow had her own issues about Xander and more specifically, Faith. Willow suspected, no, she knew Buffy and Xander had their own issues that they weren't talking about.  
  
And if they didn't talk, the issues would be unresolved and would fester away and poison their relationship.  
  
Willow sighed and put the brush down on her dresser. She hated confrontations. But unless they did the House of Scooby would fall.  
  
As she slipped under the bed covers Willow cursed her fear. Her fear of the needed confrontation and her fear of the consequences.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Faith and Buffy patrolled through the grounds of Restfield Cemetery. It had been a quiet night with only a single vamp that was dispatched so quickly as to disappoint a couple of Slayers looking for action. The up side was that there was no sign of the remaining Lancaster brothers.  
  
"Nice place. Do you ever catch kids doing the diddy out here?" Faith asked the elder Slayer.  
  
"No. There's a smooch spot up by the woods. That's usually where kids go."  
  
"Yeah? Bet you, Red, and Xan have been up there kicking the gearshift."  
  
"Not lately."  
  
"Look" Faith grabbed Buffy by the arm and stopped "if you're pissed about me staying with Xander then you shouldn't be. Nothing's going on between us and he's made it very clear that nothing ever will. You and Red own his ass. He may be a little fucked up in the head lately but he ain't the only one."  
  
Buffy snatched her arm from Faith's grip angrily and glared at the dark haired Slayer. Without a word, Buffy stomped off into the night leaving Faith to wonder just what Buffy's problem was.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"I should not have believed anyone who told me that I was capable of such love," said Prince Andrew. "It is not at all the same feeling that I knew in the past. The whole world is now divided into two halves: one half is she, and there all is joy, hope, light: the other half is everything where she is not, and there all is gloom and darkness..."  
  
Angel understood the Prince as he had never before. Angel had read War and Peace almost a dozen times over the years, but this was the first time that this one section rang so true.  
  
"I cannot help loving the light, it is not my fault."  
  
For so many years he had, as Angelus, revelled in the darkness, pulling it about him like a heavy cloak on a cold winter's night. Then, as Angel, he had recoiled from the darkness but despaired of ever knowing the light.  
  
Then came Buffy.  
  
She was the light that Angel yearned for. His love for her and her love for him had given him hope, hope to a path into the light.  
  
It was a forlorn hope.  
  
Xander had revealed that instead of Buffy lifting him into the light, Angel would drag Buffy into the darkness.  
  
It had ended the relationship between them. Angel had no wish to hurt someone whom he loved as much as he did Buffy. Buffy had no wish to descend into the darkness that awaited her if she kept to her original path.  
  
Instead, Buffy had found a new path with Willow and Xander. Definitely the road less travelled to be sure, but one that promised to best avoid the darkness.  
  
But none of this changed Angel's feelings. He still loved Buffy and still yearned to escape the darkness. But if Buffy was not the way, then what was?  
  
His thoughts were interrupted as someone entered the mansion. Angel put his book down and looked up to see a teary eyed Buffy standing before him. He stood up and, before a word could be exchanged, Buffy crossed the distance between them. Angel just held her as she cried freely.  
  
"I can't do it anymore, Angel. I just can't."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Xander drove the streets of Sunnydale like a cop on the beat. Looking out for signs of trouble of the undead kind, he turned onto Crawford Street in quest of one particular member of the undead. He wanted to tap Angel's resources in discovering the exact nature of something he had found during his project. Angel was the last hope before Xander would have to go to Giles personally for help. Giles had far better resources but with the resources would come questions that Xander would find hard to answer truthfully.  
  
He stopped outside the mansion and headed for the small courtyard that served as the main entrance. The doors were wide open and the heart breaking sight of Buffy in Angel's arms.  
  
Xander turned around and left sadly.  
  
His only thought was that old habits died hard.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Sixteen tons,   
  
What'd ya get?  
  
Another day older  
  
and deeper in debt.  
  
Saint Peter don't you call me  
  
'cause I can't go  
  
I owe my soul to the company store.  
  
The music filtered up through the basement door where Faith stood on the other side. She debated going down into the basement and trying to find out what the problem was with Xander. Lately he'd been spending more and more time down there, listening to some of the most depressing music, mostly country music, Faith had ever heard. She did, however, admire his mental fortitude. If she had listened to that much country music she would have slit her wrists ages ago.  
  
There was a problem, more than one more likely. But Buffy wasn't talking about it, neither was Xander, and Willow just was just plain old not talking to Faith, period.  
  
She didn't know what she could do to help her only friend. Serious relationships were something that other people had. 'Get some, get gone' was her motto and seeing the crap the Scoobies were going through at the moment, her attitude was not about change in a hurry.  
  
With a frustrated sigh, Faith went back to her room.  
  
The only ones who could do something now were B, Red, and Xan.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Joyce Summers took part in a ritual shared by millions of people the world over. Every month she went down to the bank to deposit yet another mortgage payment. She could have organised it that the payments automatically came out of her account, but there was something satisfying about doing it in person.  
  
She waited in line, mentally going through her list of things to do for the day. Fishing out her deposit book Joyce smiled at the woman behind the counter.  
  
"Hi Andrea."  
  
"Hi Joyce." Andrea and Joyce were on the PTA together; Andrea's daughter was in the year below Buffy's. Joyce slid the deposit slip across the counter and Andrea entered Joyce's details into the computer.  
  
"One down, another 137 to go." Joyce joked to her friend. Andrea frowned and double-checked the computer.  
  
"I can't accept this." Andrea told her, sliding the deposit slip back to Joyce who looked at her in confusion.  
  
"Why? Is there something wrong with.."  
  
"No. I'm sorry; I can't take it because your mortgage has a zero balance."  
  
"Zero balance?"  
  
"Someone's already paid the mortgage off."  
  
"Who?"  
  
Andrea gave Joyce a printout of her accounts. Joyce wondered just what or who in the hell The Antelope Trust was.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"Hey Mrs. Summers, how's things?" Xander asked as Joyce opened the door and ushered him in.  
  
"Great. Couldn't be better, actually." She told him happily.  
  
"So what's the special occasion?" Joyce had called him earlier that afternoon and invited him to a special dinner at her house.  
  
"Had some good news today and I thought I'd like to celebrate with a little party."  
  
"Cool."  
  
Giles, Faith, Cordelia, Willow, and Buffy were in the dining room just starting to serve out the sumptuous feast that Joyce had produced in an amazingly short period of time.  
  
Giles, Joyce, and Cordelia spent the dinner in a lively conversation about Joyce's windfall and the possible identity behind it. Faith occasionally added her two cents worth to the conversation, but mostly she watched the three silent and sullen Scoobies at the other end of the table.  
  
Cordelia leaned over to Faith and in a none to quiet voice asked what was the problem with the three.  
  
"They've got a bug up their asses about something. Isn't that right B?"  
  
"Honey, what's the matter? You haven't said a single word all evening." A concerned Joyce asked her only child.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Nothing? Pfft! These three have been walking around school like misery on a stick for weeks." Cordelia informed them.  
  
Buffy shoved her chair back and she got to her feet.  
  
"Just get off my back! My life is my own business!" Buffy headed to the front door with the others in tow.  
  
"Buffy! We need to talk! Buffy!" Willow called out as Buffy reached for the door.  
  
"No we don't Willow. We're not doing this now. Not now, not ever!" Buffy yelled back as she opened the door.  
  
Something inside Willow snapped. Anger, rage, and desperation filled her. With a flick of her wrist, Willow used her magic to slam the door shut and block Buffy's exit.  
  
Everyone looked at Willow in surprise.  
  
Willow herself was also surprised. The biggest thing she had been able to move using her magic so far had been her math textbook. But her anger and fear now fueled her magic and her boldness.  
  
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you two! There's stuff going on, nobody's talking to each other, and it's killing us!" Willow focused on Buffy.  
  
"First off; ever since we fought evil us, you've been giving us the cold shoulder treatment. Secondly, I do not automatically take Xander's side OK? It's not the Willow and Xander Show guest staring Buffy. I know Xander and I trust Xander with my life." Willow wheeled on Xander now.  
  
"And you! You talk about us needing to trust you, but what about you trusting us? What the hell have you been doing? You've been Mr. Distant all summer, figuratively and non figuratively. You guys have issues that you have to deal with NOW!"  
  
"We're not the only ones with issues Wills." Xander told her.  
  
"I do not have issues."  
  
"One word Willow, 'Faith'."  
  
"That's issue, singular; not issues, plural, like you two have."  
  
Willow watched as Buffy and Xander looked way. Willow saw the stubborn look on their faces and knew she had better do something real quick if they were to get through this.  
  
What Willow did next shocked everyone, especially herself.  
  
Willow grabbed Xander by his ear, then grabbed Buffy by hers and lead the two protesting Scoobies to the basement door where she unceremoniously shoved them into the basement and locked the door on them.  
  
"You two aren't coming out until you've worked out your problems, ya hear?" The redhead yelled out to them through the door.  
  
Buffy started banging on the door and demanding to be let out. With her Slayer strength she could have easily smashed the door open but if she did that then she'd have to contend with the fury of her mother. After a bit she stopped banging on the door and just glared at the door as if she was daring it to open.  
  
To Buffy's surprise there was a click of the lock and the door opened to reveal her mother.  
  
"Mom..." Buffy started but Joyce picked up a basket of washing and shoved it into Buffy's arms.  
  
"While you're down there could you do a load? Oh, and don't forget the fabric softener."  
  
Before a stunned Buffy could reply Joyce closed and locked the door again.  
  
Faith looked like she was just about to bust her gut laughing.  
  
"The expression on B's face! Priceless. The whole stunned goldfish look was a killer."  
  
Even Giles had a slight smirk on his face.  
  
"Thanks for the dinner Mrs. S but I gotta go slay. Besides, I don't wanna get locked in a room with Red to work out our issues." With a nod to Joyce, the younger Slayer departed with a laugh.  
  
"Ditto, but without the slaying bit." Cordelia said rapidly following Faith out the door.  
  
The three that remained looked at each other wondering what to do next.  
  
"According to Buffy you're something of a computer whiz." Joyce said to Willow.  
  
"If ever a whiz there was." Joyce smiled at Willow's reply.  
  
"Good. Would it be too much in asking for your help finding out about this Antelope Trust?" A huge smile spread across Willow's face which lit up the room. Joyce could understand a little better why Buffy and Xander had fallen for the redhead. Willow's smile could melt the hardest heart.  
  
"No trouble at all! I've got my laptop in my bag."  
  
Retrieving the laptop, Willow logged on.  
  
"What bank are you with?" Willow asked Joyce.  
  
"First State California."  
  
"Cool. I've got an account there. That'll make it easier." Willow logged into her account which also held a backdoor Willow had made during her 'exploration' of the banks system.  
  
Willow stopped cold when she looked at her account. A very, very large deposit had been made into her account that day by the Antelope Trust.  
  
"Holy shit!" Willow squeaked. Giles adjusted his glasses.  
  
"Remind me to check my account first thing tomorrow." He told the two women.  
  
"OK Willow, calm down." She said to herself "think about tracking down the Antelope Trust and not the truck load of cash sitting in your account."  
  
They all looked up at the door to the basement as the sound of somebody yelling something reached them. They couldn't tell what was being yelled but they could guess.  
  
"Do you think it'll take long for Buffy and Xander to work things out?" Joyce asked Willow.  
  
"If I was you Mrs. Summers I'd plan on working out how to get their breakfast under the door in the morning."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Down in the basement, Buffy was concentrating on putting the clothes in the machine rather than thinking about Xander who sat on the bottom step of the stairs. Xander, for his part, was rubbing his ear where Willow had grabbed it.  
  
It wasn't his ear that hurt so much as his heart. Willow was right. They had problems and they weren't dealing with them.  
  
One of the bad habits of the House of Scooby.  
  
Xander stood up and moved beside Buffy.  
  
*I wonder if we can settle this without the usual Buffy/Xander blowup.* Xander thought to himself.  
  
"I.. um.. Buff.."  
  
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?"  
  
*Obviously not.* thought Xander as his temper flared.  
  
"Not being all snuggle monkey to Angel for starters." Buffy stiffened.  
  
"You were spying on me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, so you just happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to pop round to see your best friend Angel?" Buffy asked sarcastically.  
  
"What I was doing at Angel's is my business, Buffy."  
  
"So, what you do is your business and nobody else's but what I do is suddenly your business as well? You're such a hypocrite Xander."  
  
"Hypocrite? Try a vampire loving vampire slayer. Look, I'm used to it; first Angel, then Spike. But Willow isn't. I broke her heart too many times before and I promised to God I'd never let it happen again. Damn you for breaking it now!"  
  
"See! I can't do this anymore!"  
  
"But you can do Angel."  
  
"I don't love Angel! This has nothing to do with Angel!"  
  
"Then what does it have to do with!" Xander demanded.  
  
"YOU DIED!"  
  
"I died."  
  
"You died and Willow died. Because of me! As long as you two are with me I'm gonna get you killed!" Buffy's anger drained out of her and her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.  
  
It all fell into place for Xander. Buffy feared getting them killed if Xander and Willow were with her. So Buffy started to push them away from her. If they weren't with her then she couldn't get them killed. It wasn't malice.  
  
It was love.  
  
The heat of the argument had gone, leaving cold hard truths in its wake.  
  
"It's our choice Buffy. You didn't have a choice, that's why you're called the Chosen One. We did have a choice and we made it. As important you are to us you don't get a say in our choice."  
  
"But you'll die."  
  
Xander started pacing around in agitation.  
  
"In all the years, in all the fights, I only died once. You, on the other hand, die so often you're a regular Kenny. It's like 'Oh my God! They killed Buffy! You bastards!'"  
  
Xander slumped down on the bottom step, a defeated look on his face  
  
"Three times Buffy. Three times you lay dead at my feet. First time the Master killed you and I brought you back. Second time you killed yourself and we all brought you back. The last time... I killed you."  
  
"You saved us."  
  
"I murdered you and Willow. I knew that when I used the Heartstone that I'd kill the two people I loved more than anything in the world. I only wish you would've let me stay dead like I deserved."  
  
"NO!" Buffy yelled at the young man, startling him with her vehemence. She hauled Xander to his feet and dragged him into the middle of the basement.  
  
"We're not them. Say it!"  
  
Xander looked at her uncertainly.  
  
"Uh?"  
  
"We're not them! Say it!" Buffy demanded poking him in the chest.  
  
"Er, you're not them?"  
  
Buffy poked him harder.  
  
"Say it like you mean it!"  
  
"You're not them."  
  
"Louder!" Buffy shoved Xander back a step.  
  
"You're not them!" stated Xander forcefully.  
  
"Do you love us or them?" another shove, harder this time.  
  
"You."  
  
"Who?" this shove drove Xander into the washing machine and he could feel the heat rising inside of him.  
  
"YOU!" Xander bellowed at the top of his lungs, the fire in his eyes mirrored by Buffy's own. The two of them were breathing heavily now and the air was thick with tension.  
  
And raw passion.  
  
They descended upon each other in a wave of lust.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
(Author's note: Insert 'Hot Night's in the House of Scooby: Slayer/White Knight' here)  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Waking up was never a pleasant experience for Buffy, even at the best of times. Waking up naked on the cold floor of her basement was even less so. She stretched and rolled over.  
  
And came face to face with herself.  
  
With a startled flick she rolled over and away from her body which was now awake and staring at her in shock. Rapidly they got up and stood gaping at each other for a moment.  
  
"What the hell..." Buffy started to say then stopped.  
  
It wasn't her voice that came out of her mouth. Looking down at herself she got the shock of her life.  
  
A penis.  
  
She had a penis.  
  
Xander's penis to be exact.  
  
Buffy looked up to see her body reach between its legs in panic only to find nothing.  
  
Buffy gazed at her body and a realization dawned on her.  
  
"Xander?" she asked tentatively. Buffy's body blinked at her then did a very un-Buffy like thing.  
  
It fainted. 


	4. Changing Rooms in the House of Scooby

Title: Changing Rooms in the House of Scooby  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ early season 3 AU.  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Bad Habits of the House of Scooby'. Xander is Buffy, Buffy is Xander, Willow is confused, and they're all in trouble.   
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
Author's note 2: This will make sense if you remember that Buffy is in Xander's body and Xander is in Buffy's body.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Nathan and James prowled the darkened back streets of Sunnydale with a purpose. For centuries that purpose was to hunt, to feed, to spread terror wherever they went. But tonight they had but one focus.  
  
Revenge.  
  
Revenge for their brothers lost to the Slayers and the turn coat Angelus. Tonight they would build an army of vampires and suck the very marrow from the Slayers bones. Up ahead they could hear the footsteps of their first victim, the first they would press into their service.  
  
They quickly advanced on the young man. When they were 10 feet away the man turned and faced them.  
  
"Hello lads. Out for a walk are we?" the man asked with a distinct English accent. A pair of plopping sounds, a sting, and the Lancaster Brother's world went black.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Willow awoke early the next morning in Buffy's bed. She had been up until the wee small hours trying to track down the Antelope Trust for Joyce. Following the electronic trail left by the Antelope Trust, she traced it back to a large law firm in LA.  
  
That's where she hit the wall.  
  
The firm had in place a sophisticated firewall and other protections that stopped her cold. Willow hadn't seen this level of protection outside of secure military networks and that left her wondering why a law firm would have such a level of security. After a few hours of probing and searching Willow had got nowhere.  
  
Sitting back, Willow decided that she needed to look at the problem from a different angle. They had a strong security system, but security is only as strong as its weakest link. Find the weak link and exploit it.  
  
An idea popped into her head and Willow started looking at the traffic flow to and from the law firm's system to the outside world. That's when she hit pay dirt.  
  
The law firm did a large number of on line transactions with a book and stationary company whose security was easily bypassed. Once she was in their system, Willow uploaded a data-mining program to the book company's system. The program would piggy-back onto a transaction and once inside the law firms system would hunt down the Antelope Trust for Willow.  
  
All she could do now was wait for the working week to start and her program to be delivered.  
  
Smiling at the thought of her cleverness, Willow rolled over and her eyes fell upon the picture beside Buffy's bed. The picture was of her, Buffy, and Xander taken by Joyce a few months ago.  
  
Their current problems would be fixed, Willow was sure of that now; she could feel it in her bones. But there was another dark cloud on the horizon.  
  
Life after high school.  
  
Willow knew she was academically gifted; she had been in the top one percent of students her whole life. She would have the choice of any university in the country and (with her new found wealth thanks to the Antelope Trust) universities around the world.  
  
She had the freedom to do anything she wanted.  
  
But what did she want to do with her life?  
  
With a sigh, she got out of bed and went through Buffy's wardrobe for a change of clothes. The trio had a number of changes of clothes at each other's places, mostly due to post slayage sleep overs and demon goo encrustations.  
  
With a fresh set of clothes, Willow headed off for a shower and an early breakfast.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
The house was quiet as Willow entered the Summers kitchen. Giles and Joyce had stayed up and talked practically the whole night, it was only when Willow retired around 3:30am did they realise just how late (or early) it was. Giles had promised to return after lunch to check up on how Willow was going with her hunt for the Antelope Trust. Giles and Joyce had enjoyed each other's company. They loved the Scoobies dearly but it was good to talk to another adult for a change.  
  
Willow had to admit that the night had been a success of sorts. Buffy and Xander were, if the yelling they heard was any indication, working out their problems. Normally yelling was a bad sign, but with Buffy and Xander it was just part of their fiery relationship. Two strong willed, short tempered, pig headed, passionate people in a relationship always meant fireworks would be a major part of their love lives.  
  
Spying a banana in the fruit bowl Willow grabbed it and wondered around the kitchen a bit making up her mind on what she wanted with it.  
  
Looking at the banana, her face lit up with a cheerful grin.  
  
"One banana, two banana, three banana, four." She sang cheerfully, remembering the reruns she and Xander used to watch as kids. Her trip down memory lane was halted by Buffy softly calling out her name.  
  
"Willow!"  
  
"Buffy? Have you and Xander worked out your problems yet? Because you're not coming out of there until you do."  
  
"All except one. We're in big trouble down here, so open the door!"  
  
Willow grew alarmed at the tone of Buffy's voice. She was power freaking big time and that fact scared Willow. Something majorly bad had to be going on to freak out the Slayer so much.  
  
Torn between her fear of whatever had Buffy so freaked out and her fear for her two loves locked down in the basement, she unconsciously gripped her banana as if where a stake and unlocked the door.  
  
No sooner had she cleared the door it was slammed shut causing Willow to nearly jump out of her skin. She wheeled around and saw a wild-eyed Buffy pressing up against the door.  
  
"Damn it Xander! Stop hyperventilating or you'll faint again."  
  
Willow looked down into the basement and saw Xander standing in the corner, naked except for a bath towel. Willow smiled at the implication.  
  
"Cool, looks like you guys have made out, uh, I mean up." Willow corrected her self. Then Xander's comment sunk in.  
  
"Uh, why did you just call Buffy Xander?"  
  
"Because I am Xander!" The blonde hissed. Willow looked at the Slayer sceptically.  
  
"Ok, you guys are just getting back at me for locking you two down here by messing with my mind."  
  
"The only messing with minds that's going on is me waking up this morning in touch with my feminine side!"  
  
Willow suddenly wasn't so sure this was a joke any more. Buffy was acting decidedly un-Buffy like.  
  
"Look, if you don't believe us then ask us about stuff only each of us would know." The Xander shaped Buffy challenged.  
  
"Alright, er, Xander." Willow said not sure who she should be facing "Who was our first grade teacher?"  
  
"Mr Steinway." The blonde replied.  
  
"Ok, um, Buffy. What's your favourite colour lipstick?"  
  
"Passion pink, but I think I more like the Berry red I borrowed from Cordelia the other day."  
  
"Xander, how did you break your leg in third grade?" Willow asked.  
  
"Stacy Williams dared me to climb higher than her up her mother's tree and I fell."  
  
"You only fell because you were concentrating less on climbing the tree and more on looking up Stacy's dress and oh my God you're Xander!" Willow babbled. "But how?"  
  
"We don't know." Buffy told her. "Last night we fought, we made up, I woke up this morning to watch Xander faint like a big sissy."  
  
"You'd faint too if you woke up without your penis!"  
  
"Xander! I woke up WITH your penis!" Buffy nearly screamed. Willow shushed at her.  
  
"Xander! Er, I mean, Buffy! Keep it down or you'll wake your mother up."  
  
"Will, you gotta get me some clothes." Buffy said adjusting her towel.  
  
"Why? What happened..." Willow took note of the torn clothes that lay on the floor. "That happen during the fight?"  
  
"During the making up actually." Buffy said a little sheepishly. Both Buffy and Xander had a little smile as they remembered the previous night. Willow flushed a little at the image she had in her mind. She shook her head and returned her focus to the situation at hand.  
  
"Clothes. Check. I think Xander has some clothes in your wardrobe."  
  
"Good. And don't wake mom up yet. She's gonna have enough trouble dealing with the fact that her only daughter is now a man, without having to deal with the full monty Xander." Buffy explained to the hacker. Xander shuddered.  
  
"I second that motion." He said. Willow turned to leave when a thought struck her.  
  
"How come you've got clothes," Willow indicated to Xander who was wearing a pair of Buffy's track pants and a t-shirt "and Xander, er, Buffy hasn't?"  
  
"We did the washing, remember?" Buffy reminded Willow. Xander smirked.  
  
"God bless the spin cycle." Buffy shot her boyfriend a venomous glare. Willow left wondering just exactly what in the hell those two had got up to last night.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"So let me get this straight. You're in Xander's body?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And Xander, you're in Buffy's body."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"I see." Giles sat back as his mind did a million miles an hour. He, the three Scoobies, and Joyce were seated around the kitchen table. Buffy and Xander told them what had happened, except for the rampant acts of carnal nudity part.   
  
"So how do we fix it?" Willow asked the Watcher. Giles dug through his memory for anything on transference spells.  
  
"Transference spells are a powerful magic... um, they normally require some kind of focus."  
  
"Focus?" Buffy asked.  
  
"A focus. It's an object t-t-that acts as the power centre for the spell. A rod, an amulet, a device of some kind.."  
  
"An amulet? You mean something like a medallion?  
  
"Yes, I.." Giles stopped as Xander groaned and lowered his, well, Buffy's head to the table. Three sets of eyes bored onto him like lasers. Buffy was struggling to keep her temper in check.  
  
"Tell. Us. About. The. Medallion." She said through gritted teeth.  
  
"I found it last week. I tried researching it with Giles' books and came up with nothing. I went around to see if Angel knew anything about it but he had company that night," he looked at Buffy who flinched a little at his gaze "so I brought it here last night to see if Will or Giles could figure it out."  
  
"And where is the medallion now?" Giles, his anger building, wanted to know.  
  
"In the basement. I'll go get it." The delicate features of Buffy's face were now long with regret and embarrassment. Xander returned a few moments later with even a worse expression.  
  
"And this just gets better by the moment." He told them as he placed the medallion on the table.  
  
It was broken in half.  
  
"That's one mystery answered. Now how do we reverse it?" Buffy directed her question to Giles who was examining the medallion.  
  
"First of all we need to determine its origin. Its appearance seems to be Mayan, or Aztec, possibly Incan."  
  
"Incan. I hate Incan." Moaned Xander.  
  
"Be that as it may," Giles declared "my resources in this particular area are thin but I do know a fellow from the university who's an expert on South American relics."  
  
Watching all this was Joyce who had recovered from her initial shock and was currently worried for her daughter.  
  
"Rupert, this can be reversed, can't it?"  
  
Giles didn't know how to respond. He didn't want to lie to Joyce, but he didn't want to worry her needlessly either. Willow picked up on his hesitance and jumped in.  
  
"If there's anyone in the world who can fix this, them it's Giles."  
  
Giles only hoped her faith wasn't misplaced.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
After Giles had left, the gang had to start thinking about the practicalities of the new situation.  
  
"So, which one of you is the Slayer now?" Willow wondered. Her question was met by shrugged shoulders.  
  
"How can we find out, you know, without having to fight a vampire?"  
  
Buffy picked up a banana out of the fruit bowl and hurled it at Xander's now blonde head. It his him right between the eyes.  
  
"Ow!" Xander yelped and rubbed the spot where the piece of fruit had hit him. "What the hell was that for? I'm mean honestly! Who throws a banana?"  
  
"Sorry Xan, it's just when I met my first watcher he tried to prove that I was the Slayer by throwing this huge knife at my head. Hence the banana." Buffy explained apologetically.  
  
"Alright, so we know Xander hasn't got the Slayer reflexes, how about the strength?"  
  
"Arm wrestle." Xander challenged, propping his arm up on the table in the classic arm wrestling pose.  
  
"Fine." Buffy replied and locked hands with Xander. She looked down at their hands.  
  
"I never realised just how tiny I am compared to you."  
  
"You're bigger than Willow."  
  
"Hey!" the redhead interjected. Xander gave his patented lop sided smile which was very odd on Buffy's face.  
  
"Ya ready Buff?"  
  
"Yep. Wills, you wanna do the honours." Willow placed her hand over theirs and had to concede Xander's point.  
  
"Ready, set, GO!" Willow called out and lifted her hand away from theirs. Xander slammed Buffy's hand into the table. Buffy winced as a stab of pain shot up her arm.  
  
"You OK Buffy?" a concerned Willow asked. Buffy rubbed her arm trying to get some feeling back.  
  
"Yeah. I'll be OK." Xander's body might be big compared to Buffy's, but size counted for nothing with Slayer strength. "Remind me that we need to start using safety words."  
  
"I'm so sorry Buffy, I didn't.."  
  
"Don't worry about it. It took me a while to get used to the super strength when I got called." Buffy told him.  
  
"OK, well, we know that Buffy has the reflexes and Xander has the strength. So what do we do now?"  
  
Xander got up and fetched an ice pack for Buffy to put on her arm. The trio sat around the kitchen table in a sullen silence. The sudden lack of her Slayer powers was disquieting to Buffy. They had become such a part of who she was that she was feeling.. empty, and just a little scared.  
  
Then another feeling seeped into Buffy consciousness.  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
"Buff, what's with the uh oh?" Xander asked.  
  
"I gotta go."  
  
"Go? Go where?"  
  
"Bathroom."  
  
There was very large, extremely awkward silence.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"A week or so? A WEEK OR SO!?!?" Buffy near shrieked at her Watcher later that afternoon.  
  
"Xander, please calm down!" Buffy glared at Giles. Giles scrunched up his eyes at his error.  
  
"Oh blast it!" taking his glasses off, Giles pinched between his eyes, a sure sign of frustration. Taking a deep calming breath, he continued.  
  
"If the medallion had been intact we could have switched you back right away, but since it's not we have to wait for the magic to wear off."  
  
"But a week? Can't we do something to speed it up? Maybe some push-ups or lots of coffee?" Xander tried desperately.  
  
"The only thing we can do is wait unfortunately. However there are a number of practicalities we need to consider, among which are living arrangements, slaying, and schooling."  
  
"They're both staying here where I can keep my eye on them." Joyce said firmly. "And they're both going to school Monday."  
  
"But mom!" Buffy whined. Joyce cut her off.  
  
"No, you're going to school and that's final. It's an important year for you Buffy. You've got your SAT's coming up and if you want to be able to go to a good college then you can't afford to miss a week of school. You're just going to have to work this out as best you can."  
  
"You haven't got any tests this week, have ya Buff?" Xander asked.  
  
"We've got a computer revision test, remember?"  
  
"That's right, we do." Xander turned to Willow. "Maybe if we explain our situation to our computer teacher she might be able to cut us some slack, right Miss Rosenberg?"  
  
"Well, um, I.. alright. But I'm only doing this just this once and only because it's a real emergency. And don't think you don't have to study or do the homework either mister. See," Willow said pointing to herself "resolve face."  
  
"You're the greatest teacher Willow." Buffy told her girlfriend.  
  
"Uh, teacher? Willow's your teacher?" a confused Joyce asked them. Willow bit her lip and explained.  
  
"After Miss Calendar, um, died, they couldn't find a replacement to teach her classes, so Principal Snyder got me to teach them."  
  
"How come this hasn't come up at the PTA?" Joyce demanded. Giles stammered of a bit before Xander piped up.  
  
"Because Snyder, that little Ferengi, is too much of a tight ass to cough up the money when he can use slave labour." Joyce slipped into angry mother mode.  
  
"You better believe this is coming up at the next PTA meeting. Rat-boy won't know what hit him when I'm done."  
  
Buffy truly loved her mom at this point. No matter how screwy her life got with her calling, her mom would always be a rock of sanity and normality. Willow spoke up.  
  
"If you're both staying here then we better get clothes and stuff from Xander's place."  
  
"Oh God!" Xander moaned.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Faith's gonna find out about this, isn't she?" he asked, dreading the answer.  
  
"She needs to know as she will be taking on much of the slaying for the time being." Informed Giles.  
  
"She's never gonna let me live this down." Xander complained.  
  
He was right.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"You guys were supposed to meet me here almost half an hour ago." Willow said as Buffy and Xander entered the quadrangle early on Monday morning.  
  
"It took me forty minutes to get the Maybelline girl here ready."  
  
"Somebody, not gonna mention any names Buffy Anne Summers, insisted on me wearing makeup." Xander shot back, trying very hard not to wipe off the gunk on his face. How women could stand wearing it was a mystery to rival the pyramids to Xander.  
  
"There's no way you're dragging my body to school without makeup. And then there was the fact he spent a suspiciously long time in the shower this morning."  
  
"I wasn't the only one guilty of that one Buffy." He reminded her. Buffy blushed a little at the reminder.  
  
"Then Mr I've-mastered-the-art-of-removing-two-bras-simultaneously couldn't figure out how to put one on."  
  
"I suppose you expect me to believe that early morning scream I heard wasn't you getting a certain part of me caught in the zipper."  
  
Willow was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe.  
  
"Stop! Please! You're killing me guys!" implored Willow, wiping tears from her eyes. As funny as this morning had started, it was about to get a hell of a lot funnier.  
  
"This morning we've all got geography, which is cool. Then Xander and I have French, so just sit next to me and we'll be fine. While we're doing that Buffy, you've got Xander's math class."  
  
"Piece of cake." Buffy said. Xander stuck his tongue out at her.  
  
"Then last period before lunch, I've got a freshman computer class to teach while you guys have gym."  
  
Buffy and Xander froze.  
  
"Gym?" Buffy asked.  
  
"As in naked girls in the locker room type gym?" Xander added. Willow nodded. Xander's face lit up like all his Christmases had come at once.  
  
Which in a way they had.  
  
Xander started dragging Buffy and Willow towards the school.  
  
"Xander! What are you doing?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Don't wanna be late for classes today!"  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
Xander was in Hell.  
  
Here he was, living the fantasy of just about every heterosexual male who had ever heard of the concept of the girl's locker room, and he wanted to be anywhere but here.  
  
Behind him, not ten feet away, was a score of naked young girls he would, under any other circumstance, be checking out. It would be perfectly normal behaviour. For a guy.  
  
But he wasn't a guy at the moment.  
  
The instant he started looking, it would become staring, then gawking, then outright ogling. No power on earth could stop that process.  
  
Southern California was pretty tolerant, but high school was still high school, and if he started openly drooling then Buffy...  
  
No, he couldn't look.  
  
To ensure there wasn't any 'accidental' lookings, Xander was sitting on the bench in front of Buffy's locker with his eyes closed.  
  
If anyone asked, he'd say he was meditating.  
  
He was in hell and he needed help. Help came in the form of Cordelia.  
  
"Buffy? You alright?" Cordelia asked her friend and touched Xander on the shoulder. Xander jumped about a foot in the air with a startled yelp. He opened his eyes for a second, looked at Cordelia who was in her bra and panties, then promptly shut his eyes again.  
  
"Jesus Christ Buffy! You're as jumpy as a Chihuahua on Speed."  
  
Xander mumbled something that Cordelia couldn't make out.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I'm meditating."  
  
"Meditating? You better quit now because it sure as hell ain't working." Cordelia looked at the diminutive blonde. Something was majorly wrong with Buffy. She definitely wasn't acting herself.  
  
"Look at me Buffy."  
  
"No way Cordy."  
  
"I said look at me!" the cheerleader demanded grabbing Xander by the shoulders.  
  
"Please Cor, no!" Xander pleaded.  
  
"Buffy!"  
  
Xander's eyes snapped open and locked onto Cordy's.  
  
"Cor, I'm not Buffy." He said in a harsh whisper, hoping to God nobody else heard him.  
  
"What do ya mean you're not..." Cordelia paused as her brain processed a number of things. First off, Buffy wasn't acting like herself. Second, she just called her Cor. Buffy never called her Cor; the only person who did was...  
  
"Xander?" she asked in disbelief. Xander shut his eyes again, this time in expectation of the slapping of a lifetime.  
  
It never came.  
  
Cordelia's initial instinct was to do just that. But for once she used her head and thought it out before acting.  
  
Xander didn't want to open his eyes, so that meant he wasn't here to ogle. Cordelia knew Xander loved and respected Buffy way too much to use her body to play peeping tom. Besides, he knew what Buffy was capable of doing to him if he did. All in all, it could only mean something Hellmouthy was going on.  
  
"Xander, what the hell's going on?"  
  
Xander opened one eye and looked at her. Cordy thought the look fear and confusion was cute.  
  
'Cute? Where the HELL had that thought come from?' Cordelia thought to herself.  
  
"How come you're not killing me?" asked Xander.  
  
"Because I'm gonna give you ten seconds to explain before I kill you. Now talk!"  
  
Xander gave her the Cliff Notes version of what happened. Cordelia looked at Xander in disbelief.  
  
"And it never occurred to any of you to get Mrs Summers to write you a note excusing you from gym?"  
  
Xander never felt as dumb as he did right then. He took a little comfort in the fact that everyone else was just as dumb.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt your touching moment, but I gotta say get a room before I yak."  
  
Xander kept staring straight ahead while Cordelia faced Harmony and the other Cordettes. With Cordelia spending more and more time with the Scoobies, she had left something of a power vacuum that Harmony was attempting to fill. Cordelia still held power and sway in the general student population but the relationship between Cordelia and the Cordettes (especially Harmony) was deteriorating fast.  
  
"Harmony." Cordelia said with obvious fake levity "So nice to see you. And I love that hair. It just screams street urchin. Now run along like a good little sheep before the big bad wolf gets you."  
  
There was a snicker from one or two of the Cordettes at the put down Cordelia laid on Harmony. Harmony was incensed at the public put down.  
  
"Well, excuse me for interrupting your and Slutty's plans for world mud wrestling domination."  
  
Xander snapped.  
  
"If I wanted to wrestle in your weight division Harmony, I'd have to gain eight or nine hundred pounds!"  
  
"Kiss my ass Summers!"  
  
Xander gave Harmony one of his famous lop-sided smiles and delivered his coup de tat.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"I don't believe you said that!" Cordelia said to Xander for the third time as they entered the library thirty minutes later.  
  
"Xander! Uh, I mean, Buffy! Hi. What can't you believe Cordelia?" Willow tried covering.  
  
"You can drop the act Rosenberg. I know all about our gender bender here. Xander started a fight with Harmony."  
  
"WHAT? Xander! What the hell did you do?"  
  
"Ahhhh," Xander said dismissively. "Harmony started giving us a hard time, she said a few things, I said a few things..."  
  
"You said she had an ass like ninety pounds of chewed up bubble gum!" exclaimed Cordelia.  
  
Just then Buffy came into the library.  
  
"You're pretty late Buffy, how'd it go?" Willow asked as Buffy sat down.  
  
"Um, yeah. Interesting." She replied. Xander felt a sense of dread wash through him.  
  
"Interesting? In what way?" Cordelia prodded.  
  
"Did you know that Larry is gay?" Xander just covered his head in his arms and waited for the ground to open and swallow him up.  
  
"Oh God, not again!" he complained to nobody in particular.  
  
"Larry? As in big dumb football playing Larry? How'd you find that out?" a stunned Cordelia asked.  
  
"I was in the boy's locker room, which, by the way, isn't the nicest smelling place you'll ever come across. So I'm in there and then Larry comes along. A few words were exchanged which lead him to believe Xander is gay, one thing leads to another..."  
  
"If this story ends with the phrase 'so I took one for the home team', so help me I'll..." Xander threatened.  
  
"No, that's when I found out Larry was gay. And no need to worry Xander. I managed to convince him you're not gay."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Now he thinks you're bisexual."  
  
"Great. Just great! Can this week get any better?"   
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"The test site is ready sir."  
  
Quinton Travers smiled at the younger Watcher.  
  
"Good. Then it's high time we pay Rupert Giles a visit." 


	5. Looking into the House of Scooby

Title: Looking Into the House of Scooby  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ season 3 AU.  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Changing Rooms in the House of Scooby'. Standing on the outside looking in can be tough.   
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
Author's note 2: This will make sense if you remember that Buffy is in Xander's body and Xander is in Buffy's body.  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"You've done nothing but bitch all day Xander." Cordelia told the temporarily female Scooby as they entered the library late Monday afternoon. Buffy and Willow were doing homework while Giles stacked books.  
  
"Cordy, It's just been a difficult day. See how you handle being in a guy's body. Besides, I'm just feeling really moody."  
  
"First off, you can keep the creepy body switching thing to yourself. Second, it's been 'my hair gets in my face, this makeup is driving me crazy, the guys are staring at my ass' from you the whole time. If this is just you being moody then I'd hate to see you cope with PMS."  
  
Xander paled and everybody looked at him in concern.  
  
"Buffy, could I just have my wallet for a moment." Buffy's expression changed to one of suspicion.  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"I, um.. I just need to.. check something."  
  
Buffy took the wallet out of her jeans and started searching through it, causing Xander to panic.  
  
"Buff, please, just give me my.."  
  
"What's this?" Buffy asked as she pulled out the type of small calendar people get from banks. Willow and Cordelia peered intently at the piece of cardboard.  
  
"It's not what.."  
  
"B. W. F. C." Buffy read out loud.  
  
Busted.  
  
"That kinda looks like..." Willow started but was cut off by Buffy with a single angry word directed at Xander through gritted teeth.  
  
"Explain."  
  
"Two Slayers, a witch, a Cordy; a man's gotta know which days in the month his life is in mortal danger."  
  
Xander's explanation was met with stony silence and hard glares as Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia packed up their stuff and walked out.  
  
Xander's shoulders sagged as he watched the three walk out. He was in the doghouse in a big way and knew there'd be hell to pay down the track. Giles came up next to Xander and reached into his coat pocket.  
  
"Here," he said sympathetically, offering him a pocket diary, "you can look it up on mine."  
  
*-*-*-*  
  
"Giles."  
  
When Xander got no answer, he looked over at the Watcher who had his nose buried in a copy of 'Moby Dick'. This surprised Xander a little as Giles had on a number of occasions made unflattering comments about the standard of American literature.  
  
"Giles!" Xander repeated louder and this time he got the Watcher's attention.  
  
"Sorry, er.. yes?"  
  
"We're not gonna be slaying a great white whale any time soon, are we? 'Cause if we are Buffy and Willow are gonna go all Greenpeace on us." He joked.  
  
"Most amusing. If you must know, Joyce loaned me it to me to read." Giles informed somewhat defensively. Xander merely smiled as he thought of Joyce.  
  
"She's a classy lady, no doubt about that." Mused Xander. Giles nodded.  
  
"Certainly a remarkable woman. Intelligent, strong, understanding..."  
  
"Not to mention a complete babe. For an older woman that is." Xander quickly added. Giles looked at Xander and shuddered.  
  
"Do you have any conception just how disturbing that last comment was coming from the mouth of Joyce's only daughter?"  
  
Xander paused then scrunched up his face in disgust.  
  
Going back to his homework, Xander looked at his homework and sighed in frustration.  
  
"Having done all this once before was bad enough," Xander gestured to his homework "doing it again is just plain painful."  
  
"I imagine it would. But you have to concede that it isn't hurting your grades."  
  
In that regard Giles was correct. The combination of maturity and having done it once before meant that A's and B's weren't uncommon on Xander's academic transcript.  
  
"I'm no Willow, but it's nice to get good marks every now and then." Chuckled Xander. "Speaking of Willow, how's her Wicca training going? I mean, I know how Willow thinks her training is going, but I wanna hear how she's really going from you."  
  
Giles sat back in his chair and contemplated the young Scooby in front of him. Xander was (despite his current appearance) a mature young man and, if the Watcher was completely honest with himself, a peer. As such he was entitled to hear the whole truth.  
  
"She's highly intelligent; a fast learner. And she has great potential."  
  
"I can hear a 'but' coming." Xander added.  
  
"Willow..." Giles paused, trying to find the right words to communicate his thoughts clearly. "Wicca is more than just spells and magic. It encompasses a philosophy, a... a... moral code, if you will. It's not just sufficient to teach someone the magic like one would teach a chemistry class. I can teach the basics, but I fear that for Willow to progress further she will need a far better teacher than I. Someone with the ability to impart the wisdom required for the knowledge."  
  
The two sat in silence, contemplating the situation. Giles had started to formally teach Willow the mystical arts in an effort to avoid the mistakes of Xander's past. But if what Giles had said was true, then there was a real chance that very soon Willow's reach could exceed her grasp.  
  
*-*-*-*-*  
  
Cordelia was unhappy.  
  
As she put her books inside her locker, she mulled over the reason for her unhappiness. Taped to the inside of her locker was a picture. A picture of her, Buffy, Willow, and Xander taken last year, just before Miss Calendar was killed.  
  
The circus had come to town and the four of them had gone to see it. Surprisingly, nothing required slaying and the day had been fun. In spite of her loud and public protestations to the contrary, the day was the most enjoyable she had ever had.  
  
The Scoobies were so different to everyone else at school. Their lives had a higher purpose, a higher meaning. They battled the forces of evil every night and even saved the world every now and then.  
  
The whole school, and in particular Harmony and the rest Cordelia's of former friends, would fawn over some jock who would strut around like some kind of hero just because he scored the winning touchdown.  
  
The Scooby Gang were the real heroes.  
  
Cordelia had to admit (even if it was just to herself) that she was happy to be a part of that higher purpose.  
  
She was also happy that for the first time ever she had friends. Real friends as opposed to shallow, air kiss types that were formerly known as the Cordettes. Willow, Xander, and Jonathan, long victims of Cordelia's scathing put downs and public humiliations, had become far better friends to her than any Cordette could ever hope to be.  
  
She still traded put downs with them, particularly Xander, but it was different now. It was an exercise of quick witticisms for the purposes of humouring rather than hurting. Even Jonathan could trade friendly insults with her while on a clothes shopping trip.  
  
Buffy understood Cordelia in a way Harmony never could. Before she became the Slayer, Buffy was Hemery's version of pre Scooby Cordelia.  
  
Pre Scooby Cordelia.  
  
It was funny how she had divided herself into pre Scooby Cordelia, and post Scooby Cordelia. It was like they were two different people.  
  
Cordelia preferred the post Scooby version of herself more.  
  
So why was she unhappy?  
  
"What's up Dee?" Faith asked, startling Cordelia out of her introspective moment.  
  
"Damn it Faith! I swear I'm gonna put a little bell on you some day! You scared the crap out of me." Faith smirked.  
  
"What can I say? I'm a sneaky bitch." Faith leaned up against the lockers. "Ran into B and Red on the way in. Seems like they were pissed at Xan for some reason. What'd he do this time?"  
  
Cordelia explained Xander's little calendar. Faith just laughed.  
  
"What the hell are you laughing about, Faith? You're on that calendar too."  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"So?" spluttered Cordelia incredulously.  
  
"Look, Dee, first off, I live with the guy. He does all the shopping and that includes buying all the 'girl' stuff." Faith explained doing air quotes around the word 'girl'. "And secondly, who do you think helped Xan and G put it together?"  
  
"You what? Giles has one too?"  
  
"Dee, for god's sake, chill! It's not that big a deal."  
  
Cordelia practically threw her last book into her locker then, after a moment, calmed down somewhat. Faith was right. Just then another thought occurred to her.  
  
"How'd they figure out my cycle?"  
  
"Like I said before, I'm a sneaky bitch." Faith pronounced.  
  
"Well, you're half right." Cordelia muttered. Faith chose to ignore the comment but instead concentrated on the picture in Cordelia's locker.  
  
"It's tough some times, ain't it?"  
  
"What's tough?"  
  
"Being an outsider, Dee."  
  
"What in the hell are you talking about, Faith?" Cordelia demanded to know. In fact she knew exactly what Faith was talking about and the subject was a little too personal for Cordelia's comfort. Faith changed tack.  
  
"I dunno what B's problem is. Or was. Whatever." Faith dismissed "But I've figured out Red's problem."  
  
"Her parents did to much LSD in the 70's?"  
  
"She's pissed at me over B and Xan." Cordelia looked at Faith, scandalised.  
  
"God! You guys are just a bunch of sex starved freaks!"  
  
"Nothing like that, Dee." Faith reassured and then broke out in an evil grin. "Although it's not from a lack of trying." Cordelia's face flushed and she muttered something incoherent under her breath.  
  
"Red's problem is that I got a handle on her two honeys that she can't touch and that just burns her up. Ya see Red may get all kissy face with B and shit but there's a part of B that she'll never really get."  
  
"The Slayer thing." Cordelia observed.  
  
"You're not just a pretty face, are you Dee? Being a Slayer is more than just having a hot bod and some kick ass powers. It's something deeper. And Red or even Xan can't really get it. But I do."  
  
"And you living with Xander wouldn't give Willow warm and fuzzy feelings either."  
  
"Nope, living with Xan lets a girl learn a few things about the guy. Now I didn't grow up with the Xan-man like Red did, but there's a whole bunch of years that Red wasn't there for either. Well, this Red anyway." Faith chuckled. "Anyway, he had a lot of stuff happen to him, some of it Red don't know about."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Not my story to tell, Dee." Faith rebuffed the cheerleader's question. She continued on.  
  
"Now there's this whole bunch of years she weren't there for. The guy grew up, he changed, and all of a sudden Red doesn't know absolutely everything about the guy like she thought she used to."  
  
They stood there for a few moments before Faith continued, a little sadness crept into her voice.  
  
"For years being an outsider meant safety to me. Don't get involved and you can't get hurt."  
  
"The famous 'get some, get gone' approach." Cordelia surmised.  
  
"Something like that." Faith admitted. "Of course I meet the Scooby Gang and that idea starts looking a little shaky."  
  
"Plllease" drawled Cordelia "the way things have been going between those three freaks 'get some, get gone' sounds pretty good by comparison."  
  
"Really? Are you trying to tell me that you're happy standing on the outside looking in? That you don't sometimes wish you had what they've got going together?"  
  
"No. I don't." an uncomfortable Cordelia replied unconvincingly.  
  
"Keep telling yourself that Dee. You might actually believe it some day."  
  
*Yeah, one day you might actually believe it yourself too* a little voice in the back of Faith's mind told her.  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Mike's notes: Just a quick one until Tony becomes available again. Apologies for the shortness. 


	6. Lord of the House of Scooby part 1

Title: Lord of the House of Scooby - part 1  
  
Authors: Mike and Tony McD  
  
Rating: mild R  
  
Category: season 7 AU/ season 3 AU.  
  
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W  
  
Summary: Follows 'Looking into the House of Scooby'. How far would you go to protect the ones you love?   
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and enjoyment.   
  
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.  
  
Author's note 2: This will make sense if you remember that Buffy is in Xander's body and Xander is in Buffy's body.  
  
------  
  
INTERVIEWER (INT): Today I have the real honour of interviewing Jonathan Levinson and Faith Lanoire, authors of the internationally best selling trilogy 'The House of Scooby', 'House of Scooby: Darkness Falls', and 'Lord of the House of Scooby'. Thank you both for you time.  
  
FAITH LANOIRE (FL): Not a problem.  
  
JONATHAN LEVINSON (JL): Anytime.  
  
IN: In the introduction to the books you've stated that its publication was delayed a number of years but you gave no indication as to the reason why. What was the reason for the delay?  
  
FL: We made a promise to someone.  
  
INT: And that promise was?  
  
JL: When we first started writing the series the only way we could get Xander's input was agreeing to his demand that we could only release it after his death. I figured that he just wanted to live out his final years in peace. Anyway, after he died, we finished the story, started hunting for a publisher and the rest is history.  
  
INT: When you say Xander you mean Alexander Harris, right?  
  
FL: Yeah, but Xan didn't like people calling him Alexander or Alex. Red gave him the name Xander and that was the name he lived and died under.  
  
JL: I don't know how many times Willow told that story, or as Buffy used to call it 'The Great Naming and Yellow Crayon Day'.  
  
INT: Of the three books, the two of you were only first hand witnesses for the events of 'The House of Scooby' and you had to rely on interviews for the other two. Who were they?  
  
FL: Well, the only two who were there for Darkness Falls was Tara and Xan. We had a hell of a time getting info for Lord. Giles was pretty reluctant at first to tell us his life story and trying to find people who knew him in his young and wild days was just as hard. A lot of them were dead. And not just from old age either.  
  
INT: I'll get back to Giles in a moment. To say the release of your first book sent shockwaves around the world would be a complete understatement.  
  
JL: No, the official confirmation that what we wrote was the truth sent the shockwaves. We just wrote the story to honour our friends. We're all alive because of them. Their story was a good one and deserved to be told.  
  
FL: Back in the day I never expected to outlive Buffy. Live hard, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.  
  
JL: Yeah, preferably one that doesn't get up and eat people afterwards.  
  
FL: Amen to that. Anyway, like I was saying, I always expected that it'd be Red and B putting flowers on my grave. Instead I'm old and grey with more wrinkles than a cheap suit and it's B and Red who've been dead for over 50 years. Like Tara told me yesterday, life never turns out the way you expect.  
  
INT: Reading the books I'm amazed at resilience shown, especially at that young age. Fighting a war between good and evil, facing creatures straight out of nightmares, the possibility, indeed the probability of death day after day for years. It's a miracle you remained sane.  
  
FL: If you read Darkness Falls you'll see what had happened when insanity set in. Not pretty. Whenever they used to talk about it Tara and Xan would go all quiet and sad.  
  
JL: The last two survivors of a world destroyed by the people they loved? I'd count that as a pretty good reason to feel sad.  
  
INT: Faith, the last of the series 'Lord of the House of Scooby' is the story of your second Watcher, Rupert Giles. Now if I'm not mistaken, in the forward of the book you note that while it was the last book published, it was the first one you actively researched and quote 'a labour of love' end quote. Could you tell us a little more about that?  
  
FL: Let me make it perfectly clear, I was NOT screwing Giles. It's OK to love your Watcher but not to LOVE your Watcher, if you get my drift. The big change in my relationship with Giles happened back at the end of high school.  
  
JL: But you never went to high school.  
  
FL: Shut up Levinson, I'm telling the story. Where was I? Oh yeah, end of high school when B joined the 'I think with my dick' club and Xan spent hours getting in 'touch' with his feminine side...  
  
------  
  
"Do you think I'm getting too skinny?"  
  
Standing in bra and panties, Xander was busy examining his... Buffy's body in the mirror. He'd stand side on and look at his profile, occasionally poking his rib cage and checking the thickness of his arms and legs.  
  
Faith, who had been watching her housemate prance in front of the mirror for the last ten minutes, rolled her eyes.  
  
"For fuck's sake Xan, will you quit asking me that? And while you're at it, put some clothes on. I haven't had a good lay in ages and you prancing around half naked in B's body is making me antsy." Faith preferred driving stick but right now she badly wanted to throw the blonde down on the bed and make her howl.  
  
"I'm serious, Faith. When I first met Buffy she actually had hips and tits but she ended up anorexic as well as an evil bitch."  
  
"I'm serious too. Put. Some. Fucking. Clothes. On. Now!"  
  
Xander just stood there, looking hurt. Faith threw her hands in the air in resignation.  
  
"Fine! We'll grab some cheeseburgers after patrol. Happy? Now will ya get dressed?"  
  
"Alright, alright. Don't get ya panties in a twist." Xander mumbled as he started getting dressed. Faith left him to it and headed into the lounge room. From the bedroom Xander called out to Faith.  
  
"Anything in the mail?"  
  
"Dunno!"  
  
"What do ya mean you don't know?"  
  
"I haven't checked the mail."  
  
"Why the hell not, Faith?"  
  
"Never any mail for me so why bother looking?"  
  
"Damn it! The electricity bill's due soon. Do ya wanna sit around in the dark?"  
  
With an unhappy grunt, Faith picked herself off the couch and went to check the pile of unchecked mail.  
  
"I can't wait for you to get your dick back, you whiny bitch." Faith muttered to herself  
  
"Slayer hearing!" Xander sing-songed as he came into the room.  
  
"Good. Now use your Slayer eyesight." Faith flicked the pile of mail at Xander who barely managed to catch it. He started sorting through it.  
  
"Junk, junk, junk, exciting new opportunity to own time share, junk, Faith Elanora Lanoire."  
  
"WHAT????" Faith leapt up and snatched the letter from him. Xander cocked his eyebrow up.  
  
"Elanora Lanoire?" he smirked.  
  
"Shut the fuck up LaVelle."  
  
Faith stared at the letter in surprise.  
  
"Who's it from?"  
  
"Bank of Southern California."  
  
"What's the big deal? It's probably just the bank telling you they've ripped you off for a truck load of fees." Shrugged Xander.  
  
"I don't have a bank account with them. I've never had a bank account with any bank. Shit, I've never even told anyone my full name."  
  
"I'm not surprised."  
  
Faith flipped him off then tore open the envelope. In it was a letter and an ATM card. The more Faith read of the letter, the more her eyes grew in shock.  
  
"No fucking way! NO FUCKING WAY!!!"  
  
Xander grabbed the letter off her and started reading.  
  
"Dear Ms Lanoire... blah, blah, blah... please find enclosed your new card... account balance HOLY SHIT!" Xander looked over to the dark haired slayer.  
  
"Looks like the Antelope Trust strikes again."  
  
"Yeah? Well, the Antelope trust can stick its money up its ass. I'm not taking it." Xander did a double take at Faith's words.  
  
"Are you nuts? That's more money than most people see in a lifetime!"  
  
"No way! I'm not taking it. Not now, not ever."  
  
Faith was becoming more and more visibly upset with every second. Xander was deeply concerned for his friend.  
  
"What's wrong? Faith, what's the matter?" Xander placed his hand on Faith's arm to try to reassure her but she shook it off.  
  
"I'm not taking it. No way. I'm not taking it." The look of distant fear on her face shocked Xander.  
  
"What can't you take it?" he asked gently, not wishing to spook her any further.  
  
"You don't get it, do you? I take this money and I owe some sugar daddy big time and one day they'll turn up to collect and I'm not gonna let that happen ever again!" Faith yelled, wavering on the line between tears and rage.  
  
"It's not like that! This Antelope Trust thing, it's not about you owing someone. It's about you being owed!"  
  
"How could you know? How could you possibly know what this fucking trust wants?"  
  
"Calm down and look at it objectively. It's not just you. Buffy, Willow, Joyce, Giles, they all got a truckload of cash from this Antelope Trust. If it was just you or the girls then the sugar daddy thing might hold water but GILES? I've seen some pretty sick fucked up shit in my time but someone trying to sugar daddy the Tweed-man is in a league of its own.  
  
"Look, you live here rent free; don't even have to pay for food or anything. Does that mean I'm trying to sugar daddy my way into your pants?"  
  
Faith had to smirk.  
  
"You've knocked back so many of my offers, if it wasn't for your swinging threeway lifestyle with B and Red, I'd swear you were gay."  
  
"Not gay, just committed to my relationships in my old age." He corrected her. "The reason I won't accept any money from you for living here is because I owe you."  
  
Faith got confused.  
  
"You owe me? What the hell have I done for you to owe me?"  
  
"One - you're a Slayer. The whole fucking world owes you for protecting its oblivious ass. Two - you helped me with my little summer digging project."  
  
"You ever gonna tell me what the hell we were digging for?"  
  
"No. And three - living in this house by yourself can get pretty lonely and having my best friend here with me means I'm not alone."  
  
Faith pulled up short at Xander's declaration.  
  
"Isn't Red your best friend since, like, forever?"  
  
Xander shook his head.  
  
"Willow's my girlfriend. You're my best friend." He gently told her.  
  
To her eternal embarrassment, Faith visibly choked up on the emotion of the moment. She never liked displaying 'girly' emotions and tried to cover it with a huff.  
  
"I still think you're gay."  
  
Xander smiled.  
  
"You ever get Willow and Buffy's permission to play and I'll show you just how gay I am." He taunted his best friend.  
  
"I do kinks, not anal."  
  
The two of them burst out laughing.  
  
"So you gonna keep the money?" Xander asked. Faith shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"Yeah, why not? It beats hustling pool at the local biker bar and I can get me some wicked shit with all this cash."  
  
------  
  
Sitting in his office in the library, it was a deeply troubled Giles that stared at the velvet-covered box that Travers had delivered earlier that night.  
  
Years of tradition and generations of service to the Council warred with his heart.  
  
Opening the box, Giles saw the two syringes and vials of suppressant and shuddered at the thought of what he was about to do. 


End file.
